I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He has the fingertips of a God
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
