If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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