Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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