If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
