I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
