just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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