He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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