I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
