Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
