Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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