His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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