Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
