Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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