The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
