not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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