just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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