Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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