she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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