i think my tv is drunk
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
