Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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