My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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