Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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