No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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