my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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