Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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