As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
