I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
