The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
