Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
