my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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