How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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