my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
