we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
