I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
