shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
