The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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