the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you inspire me to be a worse person
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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