3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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