I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
