Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
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You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
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I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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