I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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