I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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