Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
