i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
