The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
