I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
