I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
