I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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