I wannas sexs uuuuu
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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