hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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