You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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