My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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