I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
