if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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