sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
