For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
