if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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