So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
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Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
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At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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