HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
