I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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