If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
