i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
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Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
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Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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